Hello my lovelies....
It is currently a dreary, wet, cold monday morning in San Francisco. I'm curled up with my down comforter and sipping some tea. I thought I would post something here on our little blog to let you guys in on my life a little bit.
Natalie Horne came to visit me this weekend and just left early this morning. I cannot tell you how good it was to have a little piece of pepperdine here with me. Sometimes I forget how much college meant to me and how much we all grew up there....I got nostalgic. But more to come on nat's trip later.
Why, might you ask, is workaholic Karissa sitting at home on a monday morning? Well, I have not really had a day where I work less than 10 hours in the last 7 weeks, so I was burnt out. I didn't stop to recognize that I was burnt out until last night. I went to bed at 10:00 with the intention of getting up at 6, going to breakfast with Nat, and sending her on her way to the airport before heading off to another day of work. That was the plan. I tossed and turned all night....literally only slept from 5am-6am. Misery. The whole night I was literally wrestling with the Lord. I swear I could hear His voice saying "Look at me, listen to me, obey me, REST Karissa!" I tried to focus on the Lord and allow myself to rest in Him and spend the night catching up with Him, which I have NOT been making time for. I couldn't do it. My mind races, my heart pounds, I am a stress ball. As you all know I only know one way and that is "go go go." You've all seen the unhealthy repercussions of that in the past, but this was the first time I have seen it reflected in my walk with the Lord. Literally, my mind was racing to the point that I could not get a prayer out. It was ridiculous. I remember at one point speaking out loud "you want me to rest, fine, im trying to rest and you are not letting me" which was followed by my attempts to find peace and rest on my own. ON MY OWN. Tea, warm milk, friends episodes, reading my bible, using EVERY method I knew to bring sleep upon myself. And there it was....the perfect example of the way I live my life. Hearing and feeling the Lord's presence in my life, and yet still using my own brute force to accomplish what I claim His will is for me. I think by rest the Lord meant, "lay down your head, relax, be with me, listen to me, sit still, know that I am here, acknowledge my presence, and do nothing more... nothing more." Why is that literally the hardest thing for me to do? So I decided to call in for a personal day today at work.... I got up at 6 and had breakfast and tea at my fave restaurant in my neighborhood with Nat and she said, "Karissa, it sounds like you just need a day off....just relax today and enjoy God's presence."
So that is what today is.... just for me to learn a little bit about sitting still (I know you are all probably laughing at the image of me trying to mellow out, relax, sit still, etc.) But I am gonna try. I am gonna get groceries, go to yoga class and run at the gym, and spend time with my journal which has been sadly deserted ever since I started working.
Now that I recognize that this is an issue for me I am understanding that there were so many people telling me to relax in my life (you all, just to name a few) that I didn' t listen to. Being up here and meeting new people and new friends and near strangers noting that I seem to be the most high stress person they know has opened my eyes a little. There is this boy (who I am thinking you will all hear more about in the weeks and months to come...) and we have gotten really close and saturday night had an andre and pizza party on my living room floor. He said something that hurt a little coming from someone I still feel as though doesn't know me super well.... "Karissa, if I am going to be honest, you are always moving at 100mph, its hard to keep up"... oh. ouch. I didn't realize people noticed this from the outside...I thought it was just a weird internal quirk that my closest friends laughed about every now and then and embraced me for. I did not think it was a character trait that stuck out like a sore thumb.
Anyways, you guys probably knew all this, but I wanted to share with you what God is doing in my life and what I am learning, and if you could pray for me in this struggle I would really appreciate it. I am trying really hard to change the unhealthy side of this and channel it into a gift that the Lord can use.
I love you all and hope your day is as wonderfully restful as mine.
xo,
k-ris
